Lydia Cotton: Are Black Women Having a Collective Relationship Pity Party?

In this video, Lydia Cotton asks whether or not black women are having a collective pity party over their relationship challenges.  She argues that while we can hold black men accountable for their choices, many black women are not as quick to take responsibility for their own relationship choices.

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  • Cimonec1962

    She did a bait and switch! Started off talking about empowering black women then got on a “save and protect the black man” rant. Typical male focused young broad.

    • Truth P.

      I agree.Many black women need to solely focus on saving only themselves.I definitely believe in course correction and that some black women need to wake up and take a look at the process in which they decide to choose a man.However,after that woman has worked on herself, and has learned to choose better men and is living better, she only needs to focus on men that are on her level.Not those who still have a ton of work to do work on themselves.

      I think most people at some time or another have issues with personal accountability and engage in pity parties.I believe many people do wake up and do self work so they can get the results they want in their life.I think the problem with many black women is many of them will do work on themselves and do grow but when they start having a standard for men so that they choose well in order not to experience abuse,be cheated on,or used they find themselves with a lack of partners.

      The fact of the matter is just because you work on yourself and grow and learn to properly screen men better does not mean that there will be a ton of good men there where you live to be picked.You may need to date outside your culture,race,city,state,religion,or country to get the man with the character,values,and other qualities that you desire.

      Another thing is understanding that just because a man really is a good man and you really are a good woman that doesn’t mean you will automatically be compatible with each other.

    • Anonymous

      Typical “strong black woman” response to something that might lead her to a better situation.

  • Pointblank009

    Strong comments Lydia Clydia. Pretty Gutsy, and you’re right, many women don’t take responsibility for their bad relationships. The main reason is, Hollywood hasn’t given them permission to. The show business industry sets the trend, tells black women to choose lite-skinned men, then in the ’80’s dark-skinned men, and now bad-boys. Black women have never collectively sat down and decided what they really want or need except a brotha with money. They’ll take a poor white man occassionally and say he’s a “starvin’ artist.”

    I note your reference to “the Secret,” blacks have been speaking things into reality for decades and don’t know it. I first noted these pity parties back in the early ’90’s with “Exhale;” wrote about it on the editorial page of the black and white papers in Rochester NY. Oprah and her gender-bias played no-small role in this, she was Waiting to be Colored Purple before most of our women. Black women have been getting a free pass on the relationship fault as well as the down low propaganda, lesbian sex causes HIV too, but scientists decided to blame just the black men because that’s the way the wind is blowing. Google an article “Lesbian Thesbians” for some history on that. There’s more than just one way to skin a cat and apparently some black cats have been skinnin’ each other while the “dawgs” take the blame.

  • Jhc_jr

    Okay Sister Cotton, your perspective is well taken. I can meet you somewhere NEAR the middle of your argument. Yes, there is no need for the pity party, and yes, there is no need for bashing. I proffer that we ATTRACT those with whom we are surrounded and/or partner. After our daunting relationship experiences, we walk continuing to evaluate ourselves and purge – never examining others. Eh’body holds a position on this continuum of progress whether it be positive movement or negative movement. The evidence of maturation: not even noticing or trying to notice where others are on their journeys and thanking God for those who are with you on yours.

  • Anonymous

    Let’s get this one straight right off the bat…. I love my Black women to death and would still keep loving even after that love killed me. 

    Now that that is cleared up, let’s get to business. I don’t really even have to watch the video to know exactly what she is talking about and the comments below me are likely to be from those that consider themselves “strong Black women”. The biggest issue is that a lot of Black women, more often than not, will not take responsibility for the choices they make in the men they choose to date, sleep with and/or become involved in with in any shape, fashion or form. This is owed to quite a few different aspects, but as far as the main source, I believe is the overwhelming desire to want to blame someone else for their pain. This has been mainstream through music, movies and books that have predominated Black culture. 

    Speaking from personal and vicarious experience, it is rare when a woman (not just Black women) will claim to have made a mistake in her choice of “men”. I have had several informative conversations and even extensive observations that have validated this fact and will continue to show that women will claim that they are making all the right moves in choosing their mates as well as in how they treat them only to have the same thing happen again and again. The definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again expecting different results. 

    In no way am I exonerating “men” of their transgressions because there are numerous shady and self-serving males that can be attributed to much BS in relationships, however most will only do what they are allowed to do by the woman they are trying to “talk to”. So as it usually comes down to and the conclusion that is ceded is that it is the woman’s decision. 

    Ultimately the final conclusion comes down to making the decision based upon more than just popular opinion seeing as how most “women” tend to go for the “bad boy” to try and change him not realizing that if he’s getting what he’s getting by doing what he’s doing, then he has no reason to stop or change. Plain and simple. Ladies, I love you without abandon, but your claim to be more mature and more intelligent is dependent on situation and context. 

    • Truth P.

      I can agree with some of the things you say but I feel there is some dishonesty going on here.I really do believe that if most women IN GENERAL chose better they would not choose many black men very much at all.

      I am not trying to be mean or anti-black man but given the high divorce rates of black men and black women couples and the even higher divorce rates of black men and white women couples,along with so many children of black men languishing in the foster care system (note: the mothers of these children are black white and hispanic),and all the black and biracial children in the USA,Canada,and the UK who are raised by single mothers (note:the mothers are both black and white women and the fathers are overwhelmingly black),as well as the domestic violence and the mental,verbal, and sexual abuse that women face at the hands of black men daily I think it is perplexing that many women choose to be with many black men.

      I honestly do believe that if many women were as careful choosing men as you say they should be,and I agree that women should choose carefully,that many of them would absolutely not choose many black men.At least not black in the UK,Canada,or the USA

      • Elove

        And GUESS WHAT… You sounded JUST LIKE “to be mean or anti-black man ” SMDH

        This man have went out of his way to articulate something of SUBSTANCE only for YOU to counter with Rhetoric NONSENSE and it make you look like a COMPLETE and UTTER MORON.

        So what about the MANY White Males (Who aren’t Drug-Addicts) that murder their pregnant wives & girl friends OR The White males that murder their ENTIRE Families OR the White males that kill their KIDS because their Divorce/Custody situation wasn’t working out to their DESIRED Liking ?!!? Where do they fit into your DON’T DARE SEEK A BLACK MALE for your preference if you’re Smart… SMDH Again

        And your Mindless Spewing of TRASH Rhetoric statistics are BASELESS regarding your WARPED SENSIBILITIES in black females who choose to seek a desired black male as THEIR MATE.

        AGAIN… You ARE a Mean Anti-Black Male/Man ADVOCATE whether you choose to believe it (OR NOT…)

        • Robert Wannson

          you had better preach!!! you told him right.

  • Plsojourner

    My problem with Lydia Cotton is that she presumes that since she is black she is therefore qualified to tell the world what millions of black women think. Sorry no. My friends that are black, white, Asian, Latino are always analyzing our roles in relationships. (I can only speak for my friends and myself) I feel it quite dangerous and irresponsible to voice an opinion that marginalized millions of women and therefore project an erroneous image. She also assumes that millions of black woman desire black men. There are many of us who do not and therefore the second argument “save the black male” some how rings quite hollow with me. Black men will be fine. They are not children, nor are they the “sole property” of black women to assume such a notion is a patronization of the most egregious kind.
    There is an article written by Lisa Bloom, which is excellent, regarding how we should talk to little girls. Read it. If you are truly concerned about the healthy emotional development of black women as a whole try focusing on our strengths instead of wagging the finger like some schoolmarm chastising a group of naughty children. Fresh human insight instead of rehashed marginalization, I feel, will be much more beneficial to a healthy growth toward harmonious relationships.
    Lastly, too often black people are constantly being “fed” arguments or positions on what is wrong with us as if we are a group of defective human beings.
    For once, I would like for people to position an argument on what is right about us. No one black or white ever takes the time to examine the good and how we can improve upon our behavior, perspective or relationship to our world and one another…

  • Plsojourner

    My problem with Lydia Cotton is that she presumes that since she is black she is therefore qualified to tell the world what millions of black women think. Sorry no. My friends that are black, white, Asian, Latino are always analyzing our roles in relationships. (I can only speak for my friends and myself) I feel it quite dangerous and irresponsible to voice an opinion that marginalized millions of women and therefore project an erroneous image. She also assumes that millions of black woman desire black men. There are many of us who do not and therefore the second argument “save the black male” some how rings quite hollow with me. Black men will be fine. They are not children, nor are they the “sole property” of black women to assume such a notion is a patronization of the most egregious kind.
    There is an article written by Lisa Bloom, which is excellent, regarding how we should talk to little girls. Read it. If you are truly concerned about the healthy emotional development of black women as a whole try focusing on our strengths instead of wagging the finger like some schoolmarm chastising a group of naughty children. Fresh human insight instead of rehashed marginalization, I feel, will be much more beneficial to a healthy growth toward harmonious relationships.
    Lastly, too often black people are constantly being “fed” arguments or positions on what is wrong with us as if we are a group of defective human beings.
    For once, I would like for people to position an argument on what is right about us. No one black or white ever takes the time to examine the good and how we can improve upon our behavior, perspective or relationship to our world and one another…

  • Plsojourner

    My problem with Lydia Cotton is that she presumes that since she is black she is therefore qualified to tell the world what millions of black women think. Sorry no. My friends that are black, white, Asian, Latino are always analyzing our roles in relationships. (I can only speak for my friends and myself) I feel it quite dangerous and irresponsible to voice an opinion that marginalized millions of women and therefore project an erroneous image. She also assumes that millions of black woman desire black men. There are many of us who do not and therefore the second argument “save the black male” some how rings quite hollow with me. Black men will be fine. They are not children, nor are they the “sole property” of black women to assume such a notion is a patronization of the most egregious kind.
    There is an article written by Lisa Bloom, which is excellent, regarding how we should talk to little girls. Read it. If you are truly concerned about the healthy emotional development of black women as a whole try focusing on our strengths instead of wagging the finger like some schoolmarm chastising a group of naughty children. Fresh human insight instead of rehashed marginalization, I feel, will be much more beneficial to a healthy growth toward harmonious relationships.
    Lastly, too often black people are constantly being “fed” arguments or positions on what is wrong with us as if we are a group of defective human beings.
    For once, I would like for people to position an argument on what is right about us. No one black or white ever takes the time to examine the good and how we can improve upon our behavior, perspective or relationship to our world and one another…

  • Cosmic_rayz

    Im a Black Mail and this is what i see when it comes to choosing a mate alot of black women choose a mate like they choose a pair of shoes they want what looks good the latest trend Or fad.I,ve seen ladies go with a friend to visit that friend’s mate in prison and meet a inmate at that prison fall in love, wait for him to get out, get married then when he starts to trip out she becomes unhappy in the relationship.The only reason she fell for dude was because he had the hardbody with the tatts long braids in his hair talked real smooth he’s telling her how when he gets out he’s going to change.Now she’s thinking she may never get the chance to be with a guy who looks this good again and she can fix him herself.

    • Cosmic_rayz

      Male,Sorry !

  • Cosmic_rayz

    Her reality becomes distorted,she feels she has what every black woman wants a handsome fine black man top of the line looks.Never mind the hidden flaws she’s thinking she can work that out as they go along.I seen this with my own two eyes and im thinking why would a beautful sister hook up with a thug who is in prison and wait for him to get out.

    • Cosmic_rayz

      There is alot of diffirent factors ,low self esteem ,desperation,never had a positive male figure in her life. She only see’s  whats on the outside,never really looking to see whats on  the inside but hey he,s Hot she got herself a real trophy her man has swag .This is not just black women, other ethnics go down that same road.

  • A Lotta Momma

    Wow, I don’t know where to begin with my response!  Yet after viewing the video and reading some of the dialog of my fellow persons, I just couldn’t resist.

    I personally commend Ms. Cotton for her words, be them STRONG!  Strong but much needed, especially coming from a “Young Black Woman”!  You see, being “so-called” free, we have the freedom of “choice”.  And a lot of time we make some #*cked up choices.  I had my daughter to tell me once that “A Piece of Man Is Better than None At All”!   Where she got that screwed up idea, I’ll never know.  And her choices of men,well let’s just say that you couldn’t take all three of them “Babies Daddies” and roll them into one to even make a “half-way Good Piece ” of a Man!

    I was taught, “Train a Child the way”!, It doesn’t mean that the child won’t stray from that training, but at least when that child does, he or she will have some ground or bearings to go back to!  Let’s not allow the ” Willie Lynch” syndrome consume  all our generations. 

    I said all of the above to say, we  Grown folk, are accountable for ‘our choices”!  Let’s use our “brains” and not just our “bodies”!  Let’s stop that “Scarecrow thinking”!  Knowledge really is Power!  So Folk, Let’s Power Up!

  • Elove

    Now on the subject at hand, I feel that females that have FATHERS (Not Sperm Donors) in their lives have a distinct advantage over THOSE Females that DON’T. It lends them that ability of self reflection and self awareness that is much needed in dealing with the Cut-Throat Realities of the dating game along with The Dynamics of pursuing & recognizing what is best for YOU (And Your Emotional Needs…)

    MEN in general & Real MEN don’t shy away from Self-Examination and are always trying to decipher the most appropriate ways/paths to take in obtaining SUCCESS in regards to ANY/EVERYTHING in Life whether that’s Professional or Personal. And THAT ASPECT of MEN are reflective in the Daughters that they Rear/Raise to become Women (Not Just Females…)

    NOT saying that all females who have this ability had their FATHERS in their life but I’m positive they had Some sort of Strong Male Presence in their upbringing therefore giving them that NEEDED Perspective to not become part of the BITTER BITCH Cycle for ALL-OUT Contempt for BLACK MALES that plagues the MAJORITY of OUR Black Females Nowadays.

  • Robert Wannson

    Plsojourner please stfu